At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
