I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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