I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
