I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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