Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
