I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
