my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
