my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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