Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
