My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
