i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
