if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
