Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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