How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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