I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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