So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
