i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize