I just threw up on my dentist
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
