woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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