This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
