cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
