Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
