i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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