I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
