Soap is not a condiment
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
