All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
