I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
