I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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