Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
