apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
