I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
