Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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