Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
