2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I am available for nakedness
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
