FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
