I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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