Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
