Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
