how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just invented taco cereal.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
