You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
