p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
