John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
