I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
