hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
