the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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