Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
