So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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