You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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