I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
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