I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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