How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
