Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
