you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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