her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
