break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
