Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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