weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize