i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
