At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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