i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
